here on our jokes and brain teasers we have got knock knock jokes,all types of brain teasers and lots more so take a look 😀 (by the way if you have a good joke we ‘ll put it on here as long as you tell us it )
cathy . c’s joke is –
where do the books that arnt true go?????????
answer the “lie”-brary
secret 7’s joke was _ why do jellybeans go to school?
to become a smartie
A thief was brought before a king to receive his punishment. The king, feeling merciful, asked the thief how he would like to die. The thief told him, and the king let him go. How did the thief wish to die?
He wanted to die of natural causes.
One man shows another the portrait of a gentleman and tells him: I have neither brothers nor sisters, but this man’s father is the son of my father. Who is the man in the painting?
The gentleman in the portrait is the son of the man who is speaking.
Two mothers and two daughters went out to eat, everyone ate one burger, yet only three burgers were eaten in all. How is this possible?
They were a grandmother, mother and daughter.
You’re in a room with 3 light switches. Next to your room is another room with the door closed. Inside that room are 3 lights. You do not know which switch controls which light. How can you figure out which switch controls which light? You can only enter the room with the lights once.
Turn one switch on and leave it on for 1 hour. This is switch A. After the hour is up turn the light off and turn another light on (switch B). Go in to the room with the lights. The light that’s hot is light A. The light that is on is light B. and the light that is off, but not hot is light C.
You are in a bathroom with stone walls and no windows. You start to run a bath when the handles come off and there is no way of turning the tap off. You can’t escape because the door is locked and there are no windows. The room will flood and you will drown. How can you save yourself?
Pull the plug in the tub.
You leave home and go to your right. You reach a corner and turn left. You reach another corner and turn left again. You reach another corner and turn left again and go home. When you get there, there is a person with a mask there waiting for you. What’s happening?
You are playing baseball.
A man is lying dead in the middle of a clearing, in the middle of a forest, in the middle of a puddle, in a scuba suit. How did he die?
Impact killed him. The man was swimming in a lake and there was a fire in the forest. A helicopter came to pick up water so the fire could be put out. It accidentally picked up the man and unknowingly dumped him from hundreds of feet on to the fire. He hit the ground and died.
A man and his wife were driving in a car, when the wife’s behaviour caused him to stop the car and rush to the nearest house. When he returned to the car, he found his poor wife at death’s door and there was a stranger in the car with her. When the police arrived, they did not arrest or even question the stranger. How come?
The woman had delivered a baby.
Three girls are taking a bull to the zoo when their car brakes down. They motion for a guy to pull over. They ask to use his phone to call the zoo. He agrees, but says it would cost them $1 for every word. They only had $1 dollar. They paid the man and five minutes later the zoo was there. What was the one word used?
Comfortable- com(come) for(for) ta(the) ble(bull)
Two men went to a pet store to buy a puppy. The first man paid $10 and the clerk asked him if he would like a poodle, a labrador, or a golden retriever. The man chose a poodle. The other man gave the clerk $10. The clerk gave the man a golden retriever. The clerk and man both said nothing. How did the clerk know what the man wanted?
The prices for the dogs were: Poodle $8, Labrador $9, Golden Retriever $10. The first man put down a $10 bill so he could chose what he wanted. The second man put down $10, one $5 bill and five $1 bills therefore the clerk knew what the man wanted.
A man was outside taking a walk, when it started to rain. The man didn’t have an umbrella and he wasn’t wearing a hat. His clothes got soaked, yet not a single hair on his head got wet. How could this happen?
The man was bald.
There are eight chairs around a table. There is a mom, grandpa, sister, brother, aunt, grandma, uncle, another sister, another mom, another brother, a dad, a father- in- law, a mother in law, another dad and one more uncle. They’re all seated comfortably. How is this possible with only eight chairs?
The mom, grandma and mother-in-law are all one person. The mom, aunt, sister are all one person. The brother and uncle are one person. The Dad, father-in-law and grandpa are one person. The sisters are one person. The brothers are one person. The uncles are one person. The dads are one person. Total amount of people=8.
A miller asks to marry the king’s daughter. The king makes a deal with the miller and says he will write yes on one card and no on another card. The miller will have to draw one card in front of the whole village. The night before the miller was to draw the card he heard that the king was going to write no on both cards. How can the miller be sure he gets to marry the king’s daughter?
He draws his card, rips it up and tells the king to read what’s on the card that isn’t ripped. The king will draw the no card so the people will think the millers card said yes.
A farmer has a sack of grain, a chicken and a fox. He has to get them across the river and he can’t go around or fly but he does have a boat. He can only take one thing at a time across the river. How can he get them across?
Take the chicken over and leave the fox and the grain. Go get the fox drop it off and pickup the chicken. Take the chicken back across and pickup the grain and leave the chicken. Drop the grain off with the fox and take the chicken over now all of them are on one side!
You are coming back from a vacation. You want to go to village A. Village A always tells the truth, never lies. Village B always lies and never tells the truth. So, you come across two paths one leads to village A and the other leads to village B. You don’t know which is which. A person comes from behind you. You don’t know whether he is from village A or B. What can you ask him to choose the right path to village A?
“Can you point to the path in which you are from?” (If he is the truth teller and is from village A, he’ll point to village A. If he’s the liar from village B, he’ll lie and point to village A.)
This is an unusual paragraph. I’m curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.
The letter E, the most common letter in the English language is missing from the entire paragraph!
A boy is stuck on a deserted island. There is a bridge to connect the island to the mainland. Halfway across the bridge there is a guard. The guard will not let anyone from the mainland to the island, or anyone from the island to the mainland. If the guard catches someone, he sends him or her back. The guard sleeps for 30 seconds and then is awake for 5 minutes. The island is surrounded by man-eating sharks, and the boy does not have anything with him except for his own shirt and his pants. It takes the boy 1 minute to cross the bridge. How does he cross the bridge without getting caught?
The boy runs halfway across the bridge and turns around. The boy looks like he is running to the island and is sent to the mainland.
AJ, Celeste, Juan, Kara, Lily, and Randy all live on Redwood Avenue. Each of their house numbers has three digits, but the only digits in their house numbers are 2, 3, 5, and 6. The same digit may appear in one address more than once.
AJ’s house number is Juan’s house number doubled.
Juan lives next to Lily and right across from Randy.
Randy’s number is the lowest on the street.
Celeste’s number is a higher number than AJ’s but has the same three digits as his. They both have the same digit in the hundreds place.
Kara’s house number is the reverse of Juan’s.
What is each person’s street address?
AJ’s street address is 526 Redwood Avenue.
Celeste’s street address is 562 Redwood Avenue.
Juan’s street address is 263 Redwood Avenue.
Kara’s street address is 362 Redwood Avenue.
Lily’s street address is 265 Redwood Avenue.
Randy’s street address is 262 Redwood Avenue.
There was once a lazy man. His father was angry that he did not help in the fields and gave him a task to accomplish. He asked his son to bring him something to eat, something to drink, something to feed the pig and something that would grow a crop, all contained in one item. What did the son bring his father?
A watermelon. The flesh to eat, the juice to drink, the rind to feed the pig and the seeds to grow a crop.
One fine day in the middle of the night
Two dead men got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other!
What is wrong with this?
Day to night, dead men cannot fight, back to back how could they face each other, swords don’t shoot.
500 at the beginning, 500 at the end,
5 in the middle is seen,
The first of all letters, the first of all figures
Take up their stations between,
String them all together, and you will see
The name of an ancient king.
500 is D (in Roman numerals), so D _ _ _ D. Then 5 is V (also Roman numerals) so now we have D _ V _ D. The first of all letters is A, and the first of all Roman numerals/figures is I. Now we have DAVID!
An old man wanted to leave all of his money to one of his three sons, but he didn’t know which one he should give it to. He gave each of them a few coins and told them to buy something that would be able to fill their living room. The first man bought straw, but there was not enough to fill the room. The second bought some sticks, but they still did not fill the room. The third man bought two things that filled the room, so he obtained his father’s fortune. What were the two things that the man bought and what was able to fill the room?
The wise son brought a candle and a box of matches. After lighting the candle, the light filled the entire room.
How many of each kind of animal did Moses take on the ark?
Moses? I thought it was Noah!
What is the only word in the English language that has 6 letters, all in alphabetical order?
A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays for three days, then leves on Friday. How did he do it?
His horse’s name was Friday.
What hefty 7 letter word can you take away 2 letters and it makes eight?
Weighty! Take away the W and the Y and you have the word eight.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith have seven daughters. If each daughter has a brother how many children do Mr. and Mrs. Smith have?
They have eight children.
This brain teaser involves a family relationship and a gun.
Son of a gun.
What number can you take half of and leave nothing?
An old man had been browsing for some time. He finally walked up to the girl behind the counter and handed her a book. She looked at the tag on the inside cover and said, “That’s £4.50 please.” The man handed her the money and promptly walked away without the book. The girl saw him leave empty-handed but she didn’t call out to him in any way. Why?
The old man was paying a fine for an overdue book in a library.
Jenny dropped an earring in her coffee yet the earring didn’t get wet. How did this happen?
The earring was dropped in the coffee grounds.
It’s so strong, it does not break,
It’s so powerful, it penetrates a lake,
Sometimes it’s weak as a twig left out in the sun,
It’s so wonderful it gives us the power to have fun.
What is it?
There are 2 men who are hairdressers. They are the only ones in town. Everyone in town goes to them and never goes to hairdressers out of town. You decide to go to the hairdressers. The one on the left has a big bald patch in the middle of his head. The one on the right’s hair is lovely and shiny with no hair out of place. So, which one do you choose, the one on the left, or the one on the right?
The one on the left, the hairdressers have to do each other’s hair
If it takes six men one hour to dig six holes, how long does it take one man to dig half a hole?
There is no such thing as half a hole.
Two men play five complete games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. How?
The two men were not playing against each other.
A farmer has seventeen sheep. All but nine of them die. How many sheep does he have left?
How many seconds are in a year?
12: January 2, February 2, March 2, April 2, …
If 3 peacocks lay 5 eggs in 8 days, how many peacocks will lay 29 eggs in 76 days?
Peacocks do not lay eggs, peahens do.
You walk across a bridge and you see a boat full of people yet there isn’t a single person on board. How is that possible?
All the people on the boat are married.
How many apples can you fit into an empty box?
One, then it isn’t empty anymore.
The red house is on one side and the blue is on the other, where is the white house?
In Washington DC.
What five letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
The word short.
You are running in a street marathon and you overtake the person in 2nd place. What place are you now?
A boy was rushed to the hospital emergency room. The ER doctor saw the boy and said, “I cannot operate on this boy. He is my son.” But the doctor was not the boy’s father. How could that be?
The doctor was his mom.
How can you take 9 toothpicks and make ten without breaking the toothpicks?
TEN (every line making the letters in the word ten is one toothpick. There are nine lines you draw when writing ten, so there are 9 toothpicks making TEN)
You throw away the outside and cook the inside. You eat the outside and throw away the inside. What did you eat?
Corn on the cob.
You walk into a room with a match. In the room there is a stove, a heater and a candle. What do you light first?
Every day, a cyclist crosses the border between Spain and France carrying a bag. No matter how much custom officials investigate him, they do not know what he is smuggling. Do you?
A woman walks into a restaurant and asks the manager for a glass of water. The manager aims a gun at her, the woman was pleased, said thank you and left. Why?
The woman had hiccups and the manager gave her a shock to scare away her hiccups!
There is a man on an island prison, he cannot swim. One day he escapes using nothing but himself. There is no bridge. How does he do it?
He escapes in the winter when the body of water surrounding the island is frozen. He simply walks away.
A man was speeding and ran through a stop sign. Two police officers saw him and just sat there. Why?
He was running.
A small defenseless animal lays on the ground in the heat of the sun. Suddenly, it is pulled up and beaten with sticks. The animal’s body is broken, but no one is punished for the crime. Why not?
It was a piñata.
Why is it illegal to bury a man living in South Carolina in North Carolina?
It is illegal to bury a person while they are still living.
Two people are in a barn. Ten cats follow them in. How many feet are in the barn now?
There are four feet in the barn, cats have paws, not feet.
Is it illegal to marry your widow’s sister?
Yes, because dead people can’t get married.
A girl is sitting in a house at night that has no lights on at all. There is no lamp, no candle, nothing. Yet she is reading. How?
The woman is blind and is reading braille.
A boy is walking around in a carnival and he sees a single man in a booth. He walks up to the man and asks what the booth is for. “Well,” says the man, “If I can write your exact weight on this slip of paper, I pay you $20. If I get it right, you pay me $20.” The boy looks around, and seeing no scales, agrees. 5 minutes later, the man has gotten $20 from the boy. How?
The man wrote ‘your exact weight’ on a piece of paper.
Two trains are on the same railroad track; one is headed east the other west, they both leave the station at 1:00. and are travelling at the same speed. Yet they didn’t crash into each other. How can this be?
They went at the same time but one went at 1:00 in the afternoon and one went at 1:00 in the morning.
A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose among three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
The third. Lions that haven’t eaten in three years are dead.
An electric train is going 40 mph north, the wind is blowing 60 mph south. Which way is the train’s smoke blowing?
The train is electric, therefore there would be no smoke.
Pinkie Pinkerton lived in a pink one story house on Pink Street. The walls were pink, the roof was pink, the carpet was pink, the flowers were pink, the pictures were pink, the furniture was pink, the bathroom was pink, her stuff was pink, the yard was pink, even her cat was pink. EVERYTHING was pink. So what colour were the stairs in Pinkie Pinkerton’s house?
There are no stairs in a one story house.
The fishmonger is 1.8 meters tall. He wears size 8 shoe and wears XXL shirts. What does he weigh?
A red house is made from red bricks. A blue house is made from blue bricks. A yellow house is made from yellow bricks. What is a green house made from?
A rooster lays on egg on the top of the roof. Which way does it roll?
Roosters don’t lay eggs.
What question can never be answered yes?
Are you asleep?
What has six eyes, but can not see?
The three blind mice.
A man drove to a hotel and as soon as he got there he was bankrupt. Explain.
The man was playing Monopoly and when he rolled the dice he landed on a property he could not afford to pay the rent on.
Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
A tennis ball has rolled its way down into a hole. This particular hole is extremely deep and has a sharp bend in the middle, making the ball impossible to retrieve by hand. The ground around the hole is made of hard clay, so digging the ball out isn’t an option. What could you use to get the ball out?
Water. Pour water in the hole and it will float to the top for you to get.
There is a fire in a 12 storey building. A man panics and jumps out of the window. How does he survive?
He jumped from a first floor window.
To whom do all men take off their hats?
What 9 letter English word is still a word each time you take away a letter?
Startling, starting, staring, string, sting, sing, sin, in, I.
A man went to sleep and he turned off the light. The next day when he woke up there were many dead people due to his actions the night before?
The man was a lighthouse keeper and when he turned the lights off the boats couldn’t see and crashed into the rocks.
What can you catch but not throw?
How can FIVE minus two equal 4?
Roman Numerals. FIVE take away F and E which leaves IV which is 4 in Roman Numerals.
A boat has a ladder that has 6 rungs that are 12 inches apart. The tide moves up 12 inches every 15 minutes, it is now one hour until high tide. The very edge of the ladder is in the water. How many rungs will be under water all the way at the highest point of high tide?
The boat moves and up and down with the tide.
Which statement is true out of the following?
One statement here is false.
Two statements here are false.
Three statements here are false.
The second statement.
What do you call a frog with no legs?
Scientists have proven that one side of a cat has more hair. Which side is it?
A man walked all day long but only moved 2 feet. How is this possible?
That was all he had.
What can you keep but cannot share and once you share it, you can’t keep it anymore?
What are four things that have an ‘eye’ but cannot see?
A needle, a potato, the alphabet and a hurricane.
What moves forwards and backwards but has no legs, it cannot talk, it cannot walk, it doesn’t slither or crawl across the floor either. It comes in different shapes, sizes and colours. What is it?
Rough and gray as rock,
I’m plain as plain can be.
But hidden deep inside there’s great beauty in me.
What am I?
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered!
What is big, grey and has a lot of red bumps?
An elephant that was stung by a lot of bees!
How do you know an elephant is under your blanket?
Because when you get in your bed your nose touches the ceiling.
Why did the elephant stay on the marshmallow?
Because she didn’t want to fall in the cocoa.
What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
Why did the elephant paint her toenails red?
So she could hide in a bowl of cherries.
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants?
“Look, a herd of elephants!”
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses?
Nothing. He doesn’t recognize them.
What do you get when an elephant skydives?
A big hole.
What’s big and grey with horns?
An elephant marching band!
What do you call an elephant on the road?
A speed bump.
How does a elephant get out of a tree?
He climbs on a leaf and waits till autumn!
What do you get when you cross a dog, a goat and an elephant?
What goes down but never goes up?
An elephant in an elevator.
What is yellow on the outside and gray on the inside?
An elephant that’s dressed up in a banana skin.
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they would look funny with a suitcase.
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him?
Nothing, he just let out a little wine.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a parrot?
An animal that tells you everything it remembers!
There were two elephants under one umbrella, why didn’t they get wet?
It wasn’t raining.
Why do elephants have wrinkles?
Ever tried to iron an elephant?
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
How do you fit four elephants in a red mini?
Two in the front and two in the back.
How do you know if there’s an elephant in your fridge?
There are footprints in the butter.
How do you know if there are two elephants in your fridge?
You can hear them talking.
How do you know if there are three elephants in your fridge?
You can’t close the door.
How do you know if there are four elephants in your fridge?
There’s a red mini in your driveway.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
Great big holes all over Australia.
What do a tree and an elephant have in common?
How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant?
Grapes are purple.
How do you hunt for elephants?
Hide in a bush and make a noise like a peanut.
What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
Time to get a new fence!
How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open the door and put it in.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have large feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks!
Why doesn’t the elephant use the computer?
Because it is afraid of the mouse!
What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
He called a tow truck.
What time is it when an elephant sits in a chair?
Time to buy a new chair!
What do a car, tree and an elephant have in common?
They all have trunks!
Why do elephants have trunks?
They’d look pretty stupid with glove compartments.
Why did the elephant float down the river on his back?
So he wouldn’t get his tennis shoes wet.
What is the same size as a elephant, yet weighs nothing?
An elephant’s shadow!
Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?
Because if it was small, white and smooth it would be an aspirin!
Peter: Mother, why is a snail stronger than an elephant?
Mother: I don’t know.
Peter: Because a snail can carry its own home, but an elephant can only carry its own trunk.
Policeman: One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle.
Zoo keeper: Nonsense, none of my elephants know how to ride a bicycle.
Down in the south where coconuts grow, an elephant stepped on a mosquito’s toe. The mosquito jumped up with tears in his eyes and said, “Excuse me but you’re not my size.”
An elephant asked an ant, “Please hide me.” So the ant replied, “Hide behind me.”
Q. What do you get if you pour boiling hot water down a rabbit hole?
A. Hot cross bunnies.
Q. What did the Easter Bunny say to the carrot?
A. “It’s been nice gnawing you!”
Q. How does the Easter Bunny paint all the Easter eggs?
A. He hires Santa’s elves during the off season.
Q. How do you catch a rabbit?
A. Make a noise like a carrot.
Q. How do rabbits travel?
A. By HAREplanes.
Q. Where does the Easter bunny eat breakfast?
Q. What kind of stories do rabbits like best?
A. Ones with hoppy endings.
Q. How did the rabbit cross the road?
A. He hopped he could.
Q. What do you call a bunny with fleas?
A. Bugs Bunny!
Q. What do you call a rabbit with the sniffles?
A. A runny bunny.
Q. How do you kill a unique rabbit?
A. You neak up on it .
Q. How do you kill a tame rabbit ?
A. The tame way.
Q. What’s invisible and smells like a carrot?
A. A bunny toot!
Q. What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an oyster?
A. The oyster bunny.
Q. Why do rabbits eat carrots?
A. Because they don’t want to be nearsighted!
Q. What did the father Easter egg do when the mother Easter egg told him a joke?
A. He cracked up!
Q. What kind of music do bunnies like?
A. Hip Hop.
Q. What does a bunny rabbit do in the rain?
A. Get wet!
Q. How does a rabbit throw a tantrum?
A. He gets hopping mad.
Q. What do bunnies do when they get married?
A. Go on a bunnymoon!
Q. What do you get if you cross a bee and a bunny?
A. A honey bunny!
Q. What stories do bunnies like best?
A. The ones with happy eggings!
Knock, Knock Jokes
The Easter Bunny!
Ana-other Easter Bunny!
Mora Easter Bunnies!
Howie gonna get rid of all these Easter Bunnies?!
(Sing) Stay on the sunny side, always on the sunny side, stay on the sunny side of life, of life. May it cause you no pain, may it drive you insane, stay on the sunny side of life, of life.
More Easter bunnies.
Even more who?
Even more Easter bunnies.
Car come and run over the Easter bunnies.
Some bunny who?
Some bunny has been eating my Easter candy!
Dwain the bathtub, I’m drowning.
Taylor , age 11, USA
Sorry, I didn’t mean too make you cry!
Sakinah, age 9, USA
Ayssa, age 12, USA
Lauren, age 8, England
Ebbe, age 11, USA
Micahl, age 15, USA
Carmon in. I’m not busy!
Taylor, age 17, Canada
Ketchup and I will tell you!
Aly, age 10, USA
Abbott time you answered the door!
Gattee, age 14, Canada
Brittany, age 11, USA
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana this time?
Emma, age 8, USA
MFlow, age 12, USA
Wanda go to the pet shop?
Naomi, age 9, USA
Ken I borrow your dog.
Naomi, age 9, USA
Water you doing?!
Ivan, age 9, USA
Wooden shoe who?
Wooden shoe like to know?!!
Ivan, age 9, USA
That’s good for blowing your nose!
Ivan, age 9, USA
Justin time for some jokes!
Kelly, age 12, USA
Dishes a stick up!
Amber, age 8, USA
Kyle, age 8, USA
Sharon, age 10, USA
What are you so excited about?
Ann Marie, age 6, USA
Zip your lips!
Kiki, age 8, USA
Fall on your face, that’s who!
Shelley, age 11, America
Dylan, age 11, USA
Kyle, age 11, USA
Desiree, age 9, USA
Lettuce in! It’s cold out here!
Kayleen, age 10, USA
Anuk, age 15, Canada
Didi clean his room?
Ben, age 9, USA
Yes, yes they do!
KMS, age 9, USA
I’m knocking on the door, can you please open it?
Mariam, age 7, USA
Will you remember me in a minute?
You’ve forgotten me already?!
Lauren, age 8, England
Isadora, age 11, USA
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don’t let me in.
Lauren, age 8, England
How many Jaylenes do you know?
Jaylene, age 10, USA
Hank you very much!
Peter, age 6, USA
I mustash you a question but I’m shaving it for later!
Lauren, age 11, USA
Pardon, watch were you’re going!
Summer, age 9, England
God bless you.
Annie, age 10, USA
Justin time for the party.
Shade, age 9, Canada
Xzachly, my dear Watson!
Zachary, age 6, USA
Yo mama who?
What did you say about my mama?!
Devon, age 12, USA
Hi ho who?
You’re not a dwarf.
George, age 6, Canada
Nanny made pies for you!
Jordan, age 10, England
Patty and Chris
Patty and Chris who?
Um, Patty and Chris, so open the door!
Patty and Chris, age 9, USA
Cows don’t say who, they say moo!
Q. What did the glue say to the teacher?
A. “I’m stuck on you.”
Q. Why did the clock in the cafeteria always run slow?
A. Every lunch it went back four seconds!
Q. What do get when you cross one principal with another principal?
A. I wouldn’t do it, principals don’t like to be crossed!
Q. Why was the music teacher not able to open his class room?
A. Because his keys were on the piano.
Q. What do you do if a teacher rolls her eyes at you?
A. Pick them up and roll them back to her!
Q. Why are school cafeteria workers cruel?
A. Because they batter fish, beat eggs, and whip cream.
Q. What flies around the kindergarten room at night?
A. The alpha-BAT.
Q. What did the ghost teacher say to his class?
A. “Look at the board and I’ll go through it again!”
Q. Why did the students study in the aeroplane?
A. Because they wanted higher grades.
Q. Why doesn’t the sun go to college?
A. Because it has a million degrees!
Q. Why did the student bring scissors to class?
A. He wanted to cut class!
Q. Why is it dangerous to do math in the jungle?
A. Because when you add four and four you get ate (eight).
Q. Why did the jellybean go to school?
A. To become a smartie!
Q. What is a math teacher’s favourite dessert?
Q. What object is king of the classroom?
A. The ruler!
Q. What do you call a boy with a dictionary in his pocket?
A. Smartie Pants!
Q. Why did the teacher draw on the window?
A. Because he wanted his lesson to be very clear!
Q. Why did 6 hate 7?
A. 7 8 9.
Q. Why did Daniel go to the top of the school?
A. Because he wanted to go to high school.
Q. Why is 2+2=5 like your left foot?
A. It’s not right.
Q. What did the math book say to the other math book?
A. “I’ve got problems.”
Q. What did the calculator say to the other calculator?
A. “You can count on me!”
Q. Why didn’t the class clown use hair oil the day before the big test?
A. Because he didn’t want anything to slip his mind.
Q. Why do teachers give you homework?
A. Just to annoy you.
Q. How did the teacher knit a suit of armor?
A. She used steel wool!
Q. What did the bully have for lunch?
A. He had a knuckle sandwich!
Q. What’s the difference between a train and a teacher?
A. The teacher says, “Spit your gum out” and the train says, “Choo-choo!”
Q. Why did the Cyclops close his school?
A. Because he only had one pupil.
Q. Why did the boy eat his homework?
A. Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
Q. Why did Goofy take a ladder to school?
A. Because he wanted to get to high school.
Q. Why is arithmetic hard work?
A. All those numerals you have to carry.
Q. What did the student say after the teacher said, “Order students, order?”
A. “Can I have fries and a burger?”
Q. Why was the little bird punished?
A. It was caught peeping in school.
Q. Where did the pencil go for vacation?
A. To Pennsylvania.
Q. Why did the new boy steal a chair from the classroom?
A. Because the teacher told him to take a seat.
Q. When is a blue school book not a blue school book?
A. When it is read!
Q. Where do New York City kids learn their multiplication tables?
A. Times Square.
Q. Why did the student drown?
A. All her grades were below C-level!
Q. What tools do you need for math?
Q. What’s the best place to grow flowers in school?
A. In kindergarden.
Q. Why was the voice teacher so good at baseball?
A. Because she had the perfect pitch.
Q. What happened when the teacher tied all the kids shoe laces together?
A. They had a class trip!
Q. What’s the worst thing that can happen to a geography teacher?
A. Getting lost.
Q. Why did the clock go to the principal’s office?
A. For tocking too much!
Q. What did the cross eyed teacher say to the principal?
A. “I can’t control my pupils!”
Q. Why did the teacher go to the beach?
A. To test the water.
Orange you glad we are out of school?
Why did the robber take a bath?
Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why does a flamingo lift up only one leg?
Because if it lifts both legs it will fall down.
Why did the potato run down the road?
Because he was getting chased by the peelers.
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Then it would be a foot!
Where does the Easter Bunny go for breakfast and lunch?
What do you call it when you eat a computer?
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
What did the big chimney say to the smaller chimney?
“You’re too young to smoke!”
What do elves do after school?
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
You have 30 dollars. Your Grandma gives you 80 more. What do you have?
A good Grandma!
What has four legs but does not run?
A table or chair.
Aminata, age 7, UK
Who is bigger, Mrs. Bigger or her baby?
Her baby, because it’s a little Bigger.
Callie, age 10, USA
What did one wave say to the other before starting a race?
SEA you on the other TIDE!
Tabassum, age 11, England
Dave’s dad has three sons Snap, Crackle, and ?
How do you know when an Irish person is happy?
When they are Dublin over with laughter!
Why don’t the monkey play cards in the jungle?
There are too many cheetahs!
What is black white and Green
A zebra rolling down a hill.
Where do pirates like to eat?
What goes forwards, but never goes back?
What do you get if you make a mistake with high notes on the piano?
What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A sour puss!
Kitty, age 14, USA
What do call a sweating dog?
A hot dog!
How does a bee brush her hair?
With a honey comb!
How do you get a mouse to smile?
What’s a tree’s favorite subject?
Why did the boy bring spinning toys to school?
He wanted to be in the top 10!
Why did the lady wear a diaper to the party?
Because she was a party pooper!
What’s brown and has a head, a tail but no legs?
A penny and a quarter sat on top of the Capital Building. The penny jumped off, why didn’t the quarter?
The quarter had more cents!
The more you take the more you leave behind. What am I?
What does a hairy person use to chop down a tree?
A fisherman and a doctor were in love with the same woman. The fisherman was going away for seven days and gave the woman seven apples. Why did he give her seven apples?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away!
What grows bigger the more you take from it?
A hole in the ground.
Why did the kid throw a clock out the window?
To see time fly.
What’s brown and sticky?
What did one plate say to another?
“Dinner’s on me!”
Gordon, age 16, USA
What kind of books get dried out?
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
What’s a clumsy sport?
What was the wizard’s favorite song?
What did the hotdog say after he won the race?
“I’m a wiener!”
Is your refrigerator running?
Well then you better go catch it!
What can you serve but not eat?
A tennis ball
What did half a loaf of bread look like?
The other half of bread!
What shoes do mice wear?
What falls down but does not get hurt?
When you say my name I disappear. What am I?
If the red house is made of red bricks and the blue house is made of blue bricks, what is the green house made of?
Why did the cat chase the computer?
Because it wanted to get the mouse!
Where did the math teacher sit for lunch
At the multiplication table.
What kind of tooth is only one dollar
A buck tooth
What has eighteen legs and catches flies?
A baseball team.
What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A pork chop.
There was a robbery in Room 44 at Hotel 16 on Sunday February 5th. The manager went around asking suspects if they knew who the robber was. Here are their responses; Maid, “I don’t know, I was cleaning Room 45.” Guests in Room 46, “Sorry we don’t know, we were having lunch down at the Cafe.” Mailman, “I don’t know because I was delivering mail around the block.” Cafe Waitress, “No, sorry, I was serving a few customers their lunch.” Who robbed Room 44?
The Mailman because there is no mail on Sundays.
What does a French cow say?
You’re in a cave and it’s getting dark. You have a candle, a match and a lantern. Which do you light first?
Why was the star hiding behind the moon?
He had to twinkle!!!
What did the envelope say to the stamp?
“If you stick with me we will go places.”
What did Tyrannosaurus Rex do on his birthday?
Whatever he wanted to do.
Why were the strawberries upset?
Because they were in a jam.
Why did the king draw straight lines?
Because he was the ruler.
Why did the toilet tissue roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
What does a zebra call black and white?
His grandparents’ pictures.
What is the rudest bird?
A mocking bird.
What has ribs and a neck but no life?
What gets wetter when it dries?
What did the cow say when he was late for work?
I better get MOOving!
What do you call an elephant in a phone box?
What is a rock’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
What soda works at a hospital?
What do you find inside an empty nostril?
How does a computer catch fish?
With its interNET.
Why does Twinkle thinks she is a star?
Because everybody in her class sings ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.’
Why do idiots have TGIF written on their shoes?
To remember toes go in first!
How do you survive jumping off a building?
Jump out the ground floor window.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because he was too chicken!
What do you call a boomerang that won’t came back?
You throw away the outside and cook the inside, then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. What is it?
Corn on the cob!
What has wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Why did the pencil cross the road?
To get to Pennsylvania.
Why did the ghost join the team?
They needed more spirit!
What did the wall say to the other wall?
“I’ll meet you in the corner.”
What did the cow say to the farmer?
What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, and NEVER in a thousand years?
The letter M.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A zebra with a sunburn
What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
A woman bought a parrot from the pet shop. The clerk said, “This parrot will say anything it hears.” When the woman spoke to the parrot it didn’t say anything. But the the clerk was telling the truth. How could that be?
The parrot was deaf!
What did the chicken say when the clerk asked her is she needed any help?
“I am just chicken them out.”
You hear me calling to you, beckoning with my shrill voice; My keys will carry you to the place of your choice. What am I?
If there are 10 copycats on a cliff and one falls off, how many are left?
None, because they will all copy the first one and fall off!
What did the pig put on his cut?
What do you call a mummy?
A rap star!
A man walks in to a bar and asks for a glass of water, but the bartender pulls a gun on him. The man said thank you and walked out. Why?
The man asked for a glass of water because he had the hiccups but the bartender pulled a gun on him and scared his hiccups away.
It’s red, blue, purple and green, no one can reach it, not even the queen. What is it?
What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead and i will hang around
What gets wetter as it drys?
What day did the lady work at the grill?
What stays in the corner but travels around the world?
Why did the maths teacher take a ruler to bed?
To see how long he slept.
|I hang or stand by a wall, run fast with hands but no feet at all. What am I?
I’m hard all around but soft in the middle. What am I?
A judge says “Order, order in the court.”
The lawyer says, “One chicken sandwich and a coke.”
Jason: Can I use the bathroom?
Teacher: After you say your ABCs.
Jason: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Teacher: Where’s the P?
Jason: Running down my leg.
There were 2 muffins in an oven one of them said, “Wow it’s so hot in here.”
The other one says, “Ahh, you can talk!”
Our teacher is so old she was with the dinosaurs.
Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley. One was assaulted. (A salted)
A family of tomatoes was walking along a street. The father saw that one of his sons was lagging behind so he said, “Ketchup!”
Man: Hey, do your socks have holes in them?
Woman: No, why?
Man: Then how do you get your foot in?
Priest: Are you wearing your church socks?
Priest: Are you wearing your church socks?
Churchgoer: What are church socks, exactly?
Priest: Your ‘HOLY’ socks!
There were 3 men at a hotel. There were 60 flights of stairs and the elevator was broken. So the first man said he’d tell a scary story at 20, then the 2nd would tell a funny story at 40 and on the last floor the third man would tell a sad story. So at 20 they were scared to death and at 40 they were laughing so hard. Then at 60 the man said, “OK, here’s the sad story. I left… the room key… in the car.”
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
A skeleton went to the doctor. The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, “Aren’t you a little late?”
There is a kid who is bad at English. His teacher tells him to tell her 3 sentences the next day. He goes home. he asks his mom, “Can you help me with my homework?”
Mom says, “Shhh, I’m talking to someone.” So goes to watch TV.
He watches Batman. He hears. “Da na na na Batman!”
Later that night he hears his dad singing, “In the garbage, in the garbage.”
The next day:
Teacher: What did you learn?
Student: Shhh, I’m talking to someone.
Teacher: You are rude. What is your dad’s name?
student: Da na na na Batman!
Teacher: You are very rude. I will talk to your parents. Where do you live?
Student: In the garbage, in the garbage.
A piece of string walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Strings aren’t allowed here, get out.” So the string walked into the alley and knotted himself and frayed himself. Then he walked back in and the bartender said, “Aren’t you that string that came here earlier?”
The string said, “I’m afraid not.” (A frayed knot.)
My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how was she doing with it. “Oh we brought it back to the shop,” said Dad, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead.”
“How come?” I asked.
“Because,” he answered, “with a clarinet, she can’t sing.”
There was banana that loved to give compliments. One day he saw another banana and yelled, “Hey I like your slippers!”
Once there was a State Trooper who pulled over a woman along a gravel road. The woman said, “I was swerving because every time I swerved over there was another tree in my way!”
The State Trooper looked around frantically in search of a tree. Then he looked quickly inside her car and said, “Ma’am, it’s just your air freshener.”
I don’t want to say my school lunch is bad but you get a prescription with every meal!
One day a child wanted to prove to his parents that he was very smart so he was going to paint a room in their house. He told his parents to wait outside for an hour. After an hour the parents came inside and noticed that the room had not one speck of paint and their son was sweating like crazy. They asked him what happened and and he said the directions said, “To put on two coats.”
A panda walked into a pub and ordered a sandwich. He eats it, shoots the barman and leaves. The police come after him and ask, “Why did you shoot him?”
The panda says, “I’m a panda. Look me up in the dictionary,”
The police man looks him up and it says: ‘Panda. Lives in China. Eats shoots and leaves.